The 2 Conversations

I had a realization yesterday that seemed strange to be new (though it is something I have always understood in a way that was not fully unconscious). For the vast majority of people that I interact with, there are at least 2 conversations going on simultaneously. The realization occurred because I have a regular breakfast with a friend where there is strong alignment between the outer and inner discourse; meaning, we are for the most part having one conversation. This occurs because there is intellectual AND emotional honesty and because though our value systems are not perfectly aligned (and are sometimes quite different), there is understanding and acceptance of differences (we do not have to be exactly alike on all matters but commonality is important). This means we give each other permission to disagree without a withholding of love.

I had an interaction yesterday that was polar opposite; so much so that I felt like I was splitting in two to manage the interaction. There was the part of me talking, and just trying to be myself, and then there was this separate self that was having an entirely different conversation; this unspoken or hidden dialogue was occurring at both a thinking and feeling level. But not in the same way as with the surface level— I have a sensitive nervous system— there is a kind of differentiated perception that I have difficulty explaining— a lot of people dismiss it as “fufu”. It feeds into my inner world where intuitive processes, pattern recognition, connecting the dots, is hard at work. I often “know” things that for others are mere judgments (implying a level of guessing or interpretation that for me is actually data). Humans have a varying degree of capability at avoiding, tricking, shielding from this non-verbal sensing but it often only takes a one or two second break from this detection-defense for everything meaningful to the moment to be revealed. (As an aside, my sensing, emotional absorption and detection is automatic; I have worked on buffering because it’s exhausting and I’m not interested in the constant inflow of data that must be processed and sorted).

The interaction yesterday lacked intellectual or emotional honesty. I was being lied to, past events were being reframed, I was being gaslighted, my understanding of reality was being challenged. I was not interested in arguing so I didn’t bother to engage/dispute. But the reframing at times was so ridiculous and nonsensical that I felt disoriented. There was a point were I was talking philosophically about shadow work (something I love to do!). That kind of conversation is in my wheelhouse, and I started to relax. My hands started to dance around (a sure sign of my interest!). I was using “You” in my musings because I was talking about concepts around shadow work (not about my work or about the person I was with). I said something that caused a sudden burst of anger from the person I was with. He said I was blaming him (I have no idea what I said that he inferred that as there was no blaming of anything or anyone and he said I had been jabbing/pointing my finger at him (I had not)). At that point, the part of me having the “outer” conversation was alerted to what my intuitive/emotional self had already concluded—the anger was the underlying truth and what I had been interacting with at surface level was a performance (it was insincere). The words I was hearing did not match the inner truth. My outer awareness understood the danger my inner world had already recognized.

This connection of the outer and inner discourse had another impact. Once they were connected, they stayed that way. I began to notice that I was having physiological reactions. There was a whole-pressure sensation as if my nervous system was being pushed. There was a heart to gut flutter that felt like my natural empathy was being pulled and manipulated.  In short, I’m a deep thinker and deep feeler and I thought and felt that I was being attacked. I started to deflect instead of to absorb. I recognized my error in agreeing to the encounter (other than reinforcing data and judgments I already carried) and I was resolved that it would not happen again.

Once free of the interaction, the inner discourse replayed. And I was struck by the misalignment of inner to expressed truth. And it was then that I connected to the above situation where there was alignment, and it gave me a deeper sense of gratitude for it and a desire for that in my interactions (as much as possible).

Let’s face it, humans (myself included) excel at manipulation. We are born into it. As babies, we are helpless and we know it. Our survival depends upon our parents (or others). Figuring out how to elicit the required support whether through crying or smiling or even eye contact is necessary and ingrained.

That’s not an excuse for being manipulative, only that humans have a great capacity for it and often engage in such behaviors while convincing themselves otherwise (a shadow manipulator).

And I do not have to excuse what was done. I agreed to the conversation against my better judgment. I’m enforcing my boundaries. There will be consequences. And I’m not taking on what doesn’t belong to me. I do not (generally) believe in cancelling. And this isn’t about what the other person believes— he is not “bad” or a “villain” but the way his shadows/wounds/wants touches my inner world clashes. The connection (for me) is unhealthy. To maintain it would be an act of self-violence. So I will be unavailable.

There is a beauty to being authentic. It is often difficult. Rejection is frequent. Self-honesty can be quite brutal. And I have a deeper appreciation of it—especially when my authenticity gets to play with someone else’s.