Why Do I Bleed Cougar Red?
I went to the UH vs Oklahoma State football game over the weekend. The game had consumed my attention for a couple of weeks. It was the first top20 matchup in TDECU (UH’s home stadium) since 2015. The attendance has been poor, and UH fans were getting called out for that. For the program’s viability, people needed to show up. I got 14 people to the game including myself. I was following ticket sales, and in the week leading up to the game, I was checking throughout the day. I looked at the weather forecast—it was fantastic with a cool front coming up. Perfect football weather with a 630 start.
UH had a lot of tickets to sell.
UH fans have a history of late-ticket buying—if a game generates buzz, UH fans will start to scoop up the tickets about a week out and that can escalate a day or two before or even same day especially when the weather is supposed to be good. There are a lot of OSU alumni in Houston and that helped to get that buzz—the game was being talked about in the offices and in the city generally, which is something that gets UH fans to games. Around Wednesday, I thought that yes, the game will likely sellout—a cool front hit Friday and I had a hunch a lot of tickets would be sold that day. And did they ever. TDECU releases seats for sale based on demand, I think to block resellers from buying too many, and as areas opened up Friday, the seats were being snatched at a brisk pace the entire day (I was looking!). I figured almost all of those sales were to UH fans (because Oklahoma State fans do not wait to the last minute!). The game sold out Saturday morning.
I was nervous throughout the week. UH won a sellout against Louisville in 2016 during the Tom Herman era when interest in the program had spiked (and then of course UT came along to put a stop to that). But since then, a string of losses. The program has been improving, but it also feels fragile. Anytime the program makes progress, someone comes in to take their coaches and their players. Baylor (Briles), A&M (Sumlin), UT (Herman), the Oilers (Pardee). Recently TECH took their defense coordinator. As a result, it’s been difficult since the Yeoman Era for UH to build a consistent program. The collapse of the SWC relegated them to college football purgatory, and ever since momentum has been difficult to create and when it has come its been quickly snuffed
The invitation to the BIG12 was their big break that they had been building up to for a long time. But getting that invite was a close call. At the time, many in the BIG12 were not happy about UH getting in, and I think there are some in the BIG12 that are still not sure about that invite.
A few years before, UT led an expansion effort for the BIG12. BYU was #1 on the list. UH was being pushed by certain high profile UT donors and the political establishment was overall behind UH (the only major public TX university not in a major conference) to be on the list. If expansion occurred, the message was that UH had to be included. So UT killed it after going through an emotionally exhausting farce of a selection process. Fanbases were teased that it was a serious process and then hung out to dry. It’s too bad. Had UT signed off on BYU and UH, they would have gotten 2 competitive programs. Culturally, I think UT/OU are a much better fit in the BIG12 (so better for them). I think had they stayed, the money gap would be tolerable (UT no issue wherever they are). And then the BIG12 would have been positioned to grab Arizona, Arizona St, Colorado, Utah with the PAC collapse. The BIG12 would be right there. It would have been better for everyone. But UT could not stomach the idea of letting UH in so they killed it and then left for the SEC probably hoping the wreckage of the BIG12 they left behind would burn to the ground (although likely, they just didn’t care).
The history added a lot of pressure, and on game day, my blood pressure was high (I just checked, and it’s 115/76 but on Saturday it was running around 150-160 over 90-97. I did a morning run, yoga, acupuncture, even a massage, ate some raw garlic (which helps), drank beat juice, sat in the sun, and still, my blood pressure remained high. I finally had to accept that’s how it would be. And it’s the reason for the blog. Because it’s the day after, and I’m asking WHY? Why do I have such intense emotional investment in a college football game? When UH lost a close game to TECH (inches from tying it at the end on a 2pt conversion), I didn’t get any sleep, and I was in a funk for several days. I was looking at a repeat with the Oklahoma State game. Why do I put my happiness on the line and especially why do I do it for a team with a history of losing since its SWC heydays?
The answer goes back to my childhood (as is so often the case). I had completely rejected myself. I won’t go into the sad details. But I spent a lot of time alone in my room listening to sports—mostly Astros (because of the sheer volume of baseball games), but also UH, Oilers, and I watched football all weekend (the choices were way more limited back then!). I was isolated, alone, and sport teams were where I found a sense of belonging. Night after night, I listened to games. If my team didn’t win, I didn’t win. I was a loser. It was a belief that I carried, and if the team lost, it confirmed that belief whereas a win meant I could believe perhaps a little bit that the belief was untrue. Alas, the Astros were terrible back then (nicknames were the Disas_tros, Last_stros). Not much help there.
But UH had Yeoman, an amazing coach who bled cougar red, and when UH joined the SWC in 1976, they hit the big time with games against UT, A&M, Arkansas, TECH and others. UH crushed Texas 30-0 (which I think this kind of result shaped UT’s later resistance to adding UH to the BIG12), handled A&M 21-10, edged the up-and-coming Miami program 21-16, and shared in the conference title, going to the Cotton Bowl where they defeated Maryland and finished with a #4 ranking.
I was in love. Most of the other kids followed UT or A&M. But these same kids had rejected me. So it felt like UH was a place where I could belong, and UH was a winner. I emotionally bonded, and for me, such things are intense. There was never any doubt that I could go to college anywhere other than UH for that reason.
Today, I have done a lot of work, and I love who I am. But since my husband died, I do have bouts of loneliness. And I think that has at an emotional level connected me to my boyhood days when I listened to the radio in my room desperately hoping my team would win so I could hate myself a little less even if for no more than the moment.
There were a lot of those nights and days.
So here I am. I should not be so affected. And yet, I am.
I think it’s a mirror forcing me to acknowledge that I am lonely. But I’m not sure how to fix that. I have many relationships in my men’s group—but not having a partner to share life with leaves a big gap. I’m older which makes it more difficult, the more so in gay world.
And I’m a complicated human being.
UH plays Utah in Salt Lake City next week. It’s a GAME DAY event! There will be a lot of attention on that game. Again, my sense of well-being will ride on their winning. For now, I have a week to bask in the big win over Oklahoma State. It felt like I was part of something. Part of the crowd, yes, but also part of the team. They won. So I won. Some part of me said, you are a winner. And that part of me speaks to the parts of me stuck in my childhood beliefs that I was never enough, broken, and not even fully human…the part of me that weeps that I had rejected myself so fully…that continues to weep to this day.
It’s not a reasonable way to exist. I am a deep thinker and a deep feeler, and when the later dominates, well, logic and “what’s reasonable” don’t get much traction.
For now, I will notice my feelings; the desperate intensity.
The passion.
The loneliness.
And I will root for the Coogs to pull off the upset come Saturday.
Go COOGS!
