Speaking Up
A couple of weeks ago, my blog post was “2SLGBTQIA+The Erasure of Gays & Lesbians from their own Movement.”
It was a blog that I posted with some anxiety. I didn’t hold back much— it was vulnerable, spicy at times, and authentic in terms of my value system and judgments. If my second (and first) book gains traction, and people actually read these blogs, there is a legion of people who will cancel and hate upon me. I’m pretty independent, I’m fine being the only guy in the room who thinks a certain way, and rejection is a core wound (and I do have intense feelings).
The current cultural landscape does not value honesty. It values performance. Disagreement in the queer community (and the Left in general) is treated as a moral failure (which justifies the kind of shunning practiced by the Mormon Church). I grew up in a culture of fear where it was not safe to be openly gay. How ironic in all the wrong ways that it does not feel safe to be authentic in the queer community. “Emotional Safety” among other terms is used as a shield to suppress free expression even as “free expression” is extolled (but only “approved” expression). A further irony is that feminists and the queer community at large claim a high emotional intelligence, and yet, if that were true (and I tend to think that it should be true more or less), why then are they as a group so fragile when it comes to feelings/opinions that clash with theirs? Where is the emotional intelligence to manage these differences? And perhaps learn something! About yourself, and about others.
The struggle I have is that if I’m not allowed to be honest, then to some extent who I present would always a lie (I would be performing to make others comfortable/validated). What’s the point of that? I am in fact rejecting myself. Being a human can be quite complicated. In my value system, believing that a man who is highly effeminate is still a man (eg/ there are many types of men) is progressive. I don’t believe in drugs/hormone therapy and major surgery as a cost for being authentic. Wear a dress, be your most effeminate self, and you are still a man in your most beautiful way. No need for drugs or surgery. I view being a man as being accountable for what you do, keeping your word, being productive, being a good father if you have children, having healthy boundaries, and balancing your self, family and the community needs. Identity doesn’t figure into any of this. I do think there are rare cases where treatment makes sense and I think these cases have been exploited (the true trans community has been exploited) by the medical community and the broader culture that seems eager to pathologize being human (especially men).
I would never reject someone because they are trans. I believe in being respectful. Their life is not my life. At the same time, I would not date/have sex with someone who is trans (either way). I’m attracted to other men. I’m allowed to exist as I am just as others get to do so (I am not rejecting a trans person as a human being any more than I am rejecting women by being gay). Nor do I have to accept the reality that others project. If someone says they believe they are a cat, I can 1) understand they may really hold that belief 2) understand that the feeling is not valid, it does not align with reality. 3) do not have to accept someone else’s false reality in order to validate them. Many in the queer movement go ballistic (too often in ways that are overly aggressive and violent) whenever someone is unwilling to accept their reality (but they are not willing to accept anyone else’s). The unfortunate truth is, many feelings (and beliefs) are not valid (they are irrational).
On the Left, and very much in the queer community, the evolution of thought is that feelings are reality. I value feelings, I’m a deep feeler (and a deep thinker), and I get that feelings are often used to manipulate, to control, and to lie, not just to others, but to ourselves. Feelings are amazing, the stuff of life, and feelings are volatile. I judge that feelings should never be driving the bus for more than brief interludes (but in those interludes, go with it). For example, when I get triggered or angry with someone, I almost never respond in the moment. I step away, I look at the anger, try to understand it. Where is it coming from? Is the level of anger I feel justified? Was a boundary crossed? Is the other person mirroring something about me? Something I don’t want to acknowledge? Once I gain a better grip on the emotion, then I will step back in. In this example, the feeling of anger helped me to understand something about myself and the other person. I may need the energy of the anger to perhaps set a boundary or explain why I was hurt. But I do not speak through the anger. The anger provides the fuel, but my thinking side is doing the talking.
So much of the identity-trend is rooted in trauma/shame/guilt/narcissism which is why (I judge) there is a lack of tolerance for people with different views. They (as a group) are fragile. They need the cancel culture because they are too fragile, too unbalanced to withstand being around people who do not sign off to their group-think. They are in fear of having the truth they do not wish to see reflected back to them. The greater culture does have needs to thrive and to continue. It’s not all about you (or me). And unfortunately, life is not a fairy tale. It’s not a fantasy. Life at its best is a beautiful mess. And for all of the empowerment, gender-bending, and inclusion, I’ve never experienced so much unhappiness in the broader culture. It’s not working.
I exist in part to challenge. I often choose to not step into that space. But it is part of my purpose. I will not always be “right” to the extent that “right” can be defined. But I often do see things in a unique (or minority) perspective. I’m unwilling to think/believe what others demand. But I’m able to hold multiple truths at the same time (which is why I struggle to sign-off on ideological litmus tests).
So I have some anxiety/fear about speaking up. And I’m doing it anyway.
