Pause, Ask, Listen

I went to the Zen Center for a recovery meeting on Friday. The topic was Pause, Ask, & Listen. The person giving the lead for the meeting played a 5-6 minute speech from one of the renowned yoga teachers around living life with this intention. And it resonated. It is the way I exist most of the time. I pause, breathe, check in with myself, try to understand the meaning of whatever is going on, even for small things, and listen, either to myself or another, and then proceed.

Overall, I appreciate that way of being. There are downsides. Sometimes I judge that I’m indecisive, that I think about things for too long, that I’m stuck in the pause, or the asking, or the listening and never quite get to the proceeding. The listening is often where I get stuck. If another person is in the dynamic, and especially if it’s just 1 person, I’m usually focused. Expect consistent, intense eye contact. I’m hearing what’s said, the feeling and energy behind it, whether there’s alignment (do the words match the feelings/energy), and I’m also listening for how it’s said, what isn’t said, and often, what the person is really saying beyond the surface communication. When many people are present, my attention gets split and I often get locked into listening mode though if I’m comfortable, if the environment is one where I have given significant trust, I can move on to proceeding (taking action / speaking).

When I am in an interior conversation, it can be just as complicated. I’m aware of certain shadows, and I’m aware there are other shadows at the edge of consciousness influencing in ways that I do not fully comprehend. But I can sense/feel it. So if I’m thinking a certain way, is that coming from a known shadow, and if so, how does that influence the conversation. Do I resist or do I choose to follow the same pattern. Do I feel like I have a honest choice? Are thoughts driven by hidden shadow of which I lack awareness? But where I sense influence? Are thoughts driven by past trauma? What are the emotions undergirding the thoughts? What are the wants? If any? Is there any part of me connected (speaking from) to the gold (the light within)?

All of the means is that though I’m a doer, I also can get stuck.

This played out in the Zen meeting.

After the presenter does a lead, which helps to frame the container’s meaning for the night, those there have up to 4 minutes to share. It does not have to align with the lead, but more often than not, it does. Because the lead resonated, I had a desire to speak. But as I tend to do, I paused. I checked in with myself. What did I want to say? Why did I feel motivated to share? Was I seeking attention? Notice? Was I motivated by meaning? By a desire to share insight?

I paused. I asked. And I listened.

People shared. A fashionable, hip gay guy shared for attention, but he was funny and I appreciated his delivery of humor. Attention was the primary reason driving people to share. There were a couple of people who babbled. Here, I carried some judgement (I’m not saying my judgement was “fair”, merely that it existed). A lot of words were spoken, a tumble, a jumble not meant to convey anything coherent but to fill in the silence with the sound of their voice. Those sharings were draining. Annoying. Did they not listen to the lead? Was there no understanding? But because there was no meaning to the words other than for the sound of their voices to be heard, that’s what I listened to. I heard fear. Loneliness. And on that level, I had compassion beyond the judgement.

I don’t recall any of the sharings tying into the lead. That’s ok. There wasn’t much “pause”. When someone finished, someone else was quick to jump in. After I had finished my interior dialogue, and decided I had something meaningful to share, I waited for a pause. Two seconds. But the pause never came. I think those that paused, like myself, were the ones who didn’t speak!

Just an observation.

We as a people, as a culture, carry a lot of fear and loneliness.

And I felt it that night in the urgent drive to not pause.

And I feel it in myself in those many times where I cannot withstand the silence.