My King
A week ago, I was feeling bad—my skin felt sensitive, heavy fatigue, and frequent trips to pee. As the symptoms worsened, I took my temperature, and I had a fever. What I didn’t realize was that my thermometer was giving results 1 to 1.5 degrees too high. As 8pm approached, the time when the urgent care centers in my area close, I decided to go in and have it checked out as it was borderline for being high for an adult. The doctor said my sample showed a high level of infection, and so he ran a culture, and he put me on antibiotics. I also checked with my GP’s PA the next day, and they reran the culture plus a lot of blood work. By then, I was feeling fine physically, but emotionally I had created a narrative—I would not have gone to urgent care had my thermometer had accurate readings, so maybe there was something really wrong and the universe was providing some needed direction.
I tend to read a lot of meaning into everything. But in the end, there was purpose in the unnecessary interaction with the medical establishment —just not what I thought it was. The event brought up my fear, which led to an introduction to my King. Fear has been a dominant force in my life, and when it’s roused, it’s a formidable and overwhelming beast. When Fear manifests in full, the thoughtful, empathetic, calm person that I am gets subsumed into internal chaos. I tend to lose touch with the outside world to some degree, and in its more intense manifestations, I completely disassociate. This pattern is shadow driven, but it also aligns with how I’m wired— I’m a deep feeler and I’ve developed a skill of anticipating outcomes to brace for emotional impacts in order to manage that intensity.
At my I-group, there was feedback that I should do a “clearing” as I was not fully present; a clearing is a charge of energy usually with a person or an institution that triggers a strong emotional/intellectual response. As it happened, I was King for that night, which in simple terms meant I ran the circle; a King brings organization and focus to the container and in no way is meant to be a tyrant. So it wasn’t a good night for me to be lost in internal chaos (though there is never a good night for that!)—sort of there but not really. I didn’t have a clear focus, but I decided to try to clear with the idea of Disease. A man held the energy of Disease, and the intent was for Disease to act as a mirror so that I could see why I was overacting (overreactions, by definition, are about the judgments and feelings of the actor).
The clearing floundered and so the facilitator suggested that instead of Disease that I clear with Fear—that part of me which had dominated my life including how the archetypes (Lover, Warrior, Magician, King) played out in my personality. Additional dynamics are that as an INFJ, I’m wired to want harmony in my environment, and in group dynamics, and I often put my needs second as a matter of course, and shadow messages pile on by saying things such as, I don’t matter.
The facilitator wanted to take a time out to discuss how to proceed with others in the container, and he asked whether I wanted to hear the discussion (or not). That’s a simple question, and I reacted the way I typically do—I said, do whatever you think is best, do what you want to do. It’s important to see and hear the needs of others. But in this case, the facilitator asked what I wanted, and I was the one doing the work; there was no reason for me to resist saying my want. But my King has not been given much space to breathe and is not often expressed. The King part of me tends to manifest when the other parts of me judge that it’s necessary—so even then, it’s kind of like the King is taking orders. I have potent Magician energy, often evident but also hidden as to not be too obvious, and it runs the show most of the time even when Warrior and Lover aspects are fully expressed (when the Magician does lose control, it’s the Warrior that takes command).
The facilitator looked me in the eye—and it was a deep level of focus and contact. He called on my King energy to make the decision. He spoke to me King to King, which is something I’ve rarely experienced. Indeed, for a moment I was confused what he was doing and what he was asking. But his intense eye connection brought me into the present. In my mindscape, I felt a transformation. My King felt seen and heard in a way that I rarely do for myself. I allowed the energy to take root, and I made the call, and as the clearing progressed, I faced Fear in a way that I have struggled to do my entire life.
For the rest of the container, my King energy was at the forefront, and I experienced an atypical ease at being the container’s King; the fear of doing something wrong, or not doing it good enough, and the myriad kindred messages, stopped playing (or at least, they didn’t play where I was aware of them). I felt lighter, my energy improved, and I was more relaxed despite running our group process for the night. The facilitator had in an odd way introduced me to my King, and I hope it will be the beginning of a new relationship. In that changed relationship, Fear has its place— sometimes, I should be afraid, perhaps very afraid, but Fear, like all the emotions, should be part of and serve the greater whole, not run the show.
Do I still have Fear that will at times overpower? Decidedly yes, and my King is underdeveloped, and like most people, I will tend to fall back to old patterns of behaving, sometimes under stress, and sometimes because there isn’t enough of challenge to move me from my entrenched way of being in the world. The clearing however was an unexpected step in my healing journey and in connecting me to a part of me that I have so often ignored or repressed—my King.
