Memory Quilt
Early in 2025, I gathered the emotional energy to do something with my husband’s clothes. I needed space from his death before going there. Getting rid of his clothes felt like I was getting rid of him. But I also knew that Tony (my husband) would not want his clothes going unused because I was emotionally stuck. I had step into my “big boy” shoes.
I donated most of the clothes. Some of them went to a friend who was about the same size. But I kept most of the t-shirts in reserve, along with his favorite costume (Anglican Bishop), a glittery vest he sometimes wore in his drag shows, and some other assorted pieces. I turned these over to Mona Follis, the mother of a roommate I had for ten years (he died of a rare disease and was like the brother I never had). Mona is a quilter and when her son died, she made several memory quilts one of which she gave to me for Christmas (I burst out balling). I asked if she would do Tony’s quilt; she’s not as active as she used to be, but she agreed. The process took over a year. But at first look, I could tell and feel that a lot of love had gone into making the quilt.
There are details that don’t translate from the pic. For example, around the heartscape shirt, she embroidered a heart and above that there is a graph of a heartbeat. Both of our names are embroidered into some of the squares like hidden messages. The label in the back is shaped like a t-shirt. Tony graduated from Baylor, but he adopted UH (my school!). We had season tickets for football and he developed a connection to UH’s music program (which he was deepening when he died). There are a couple of NY panels including a Yankees—he wasn’t a fan of the team but he loved New York City. His most frequent get away was Galveston. It’s an hour from Houston and a world away. We went there often, especially during the off season but he went there on his own as well as I could not take off from work as often as he wanted to go. Mosquito Cafe was a familiar breakfast hangout but that was close a couple of years ago (Tony would have been quite sad about that).
There’s a red glittery square from a vest he wore for drag. I donated his main drag outfit to a MKP brother who does drag but I kept the red vest for the quilt. There’s another colorful, pleated/wavy textured panel that came from one of his older drag outfits, and it was cool to see it incorporated.
Tony’s favorite costume was him as an Anglican Bishop (I think he thought he had been one in a past life!) and so that made it’s way to the quilt as well. He developed Heartscape at Palmer Episcopal, an alternative worship service of music, worship and movement but no sermon, and it represented the inner core of his spiritual journey. He was Christian and it wasn’t about the dogma but about the experience of the divine. No amount of homophobia in the Church was going to get in the way of his faith!
The aqua blue shirt represented his typical style. Mona, the quilter, included the shirt pocket which is a nice touch. He loved New Mexico, and one of the places we visited was Toas. There is an earthship community nearby (off the grid self-sustaining houses/community) and that found its way to the quilt as well.
The panel with the faded 2 people are his parents when they were young. Someone had tee shirts made by imprinting the photo, and I requested that it be included. Much of the quilt however was from the vision of Mona. I asked for a few tee shirts to be included but otherwise left it to her vision.
There’s a small square for Third Coast Comedy— Tony did improv for awhile, and I joined him for a time. TCC had a theatre on 34 street and I’m glad to see that it made the cut. The improv helped with his drag performances— I think many people did underestimate him— he was a lawyer by trade, and he had a I’m super-safe, straightlaced vibe—and he strutted on high heels as he sang in drag, and he did gay adventure camps with guys half his age.
The colorful panel on the lower right is from a tie dye that’s meant to represent his queerness. He was a BIG Democrat and was quite passionate around politics as represented by the Obama panel. We were aligned while he was alive, but I have become nonaligned over the last 3 years in large part because I judge that the Democrats are not really Democrats/liberal anymore (too much of a leftward, ungrounded drift). And if he were alive, he would be ok with my adjustment (but he would still be a Democrat!).
Maine was one of our favorite places and Tony also loved dogs so the top panel, “every dog has its day”. The back has a Key West panel— Tony enjoyed being around gay energy (though the majority of his friends were straight). He didn’t drink much, and he didn’t like the energy of the bar scene, and I think he felt unwanted and isolated in the gay dating world. I judged that he loved the gay community more than the community loved him (but those in the community who got to know him, often loved him and Tony had quite a few long-term relationships). Though Tony did drag, he was otherwise very normie presenting. He had his own style. He liked rugby polo shirts (so there’s a bottom panel from one of those with his name embroidered into it) and it represents his typical way of presenting as does the aqua striped shirt with the pocket.
I love the quilt. It feels like Tony. I’m also feeling a lot of heaviness, grief. Sometimes too much. I’ve done a lot of grief processing, and I’m a deep feeler and a deep thinker and there’s part of me I think that doesn’t want to see all of the grief. And that’s ok.
Tony was a gift to the world. I’m grateful that I got to be a part of his life.
