26 Years Ago
On March 23, 2000, at 4:54pm, I sent an e-mail to the man (Tony) who would become my husband to ask if we wanted to do lunch. It wasn’t a date. On the weekend of March 17-19, I had traveled up to a place called the Margaret Austin Center outside of Chappell Hill, TX northwest of Houston to attend a men’s retreat. I had just started my recovery about 4 months earlier. My extreme disassociation had collapsed into a continuous panic disorder. Health problems exploded. I reached the point where I had difficulty moving— I would micro-weed a very small area (a box roughly four inches wide) in the yard in a desperate attempt to keep my mind from panicking. I didn’t think I was going to make it.
I started a yoga practice, neuro-feedback, acupuncture, massage, and I started working with an emotional therapist. She didn’t think I was ready for the weekend. She was right. But she advised me to go anyway to see if I would gain any clarity around my trauma and perhaps to find additional support. I was desperate and so I went. The three days were intense. I gained no measure of healing, but I did touch the trauma that was consuming my life and my youth. There was only 1 other gay man (that would be my future husband). We didn’t connect that much during the weekend, but after it ended, I felt a hole in my heart. At the time, I worked downtown and I decided to reach out to 3 of the retreat men who worked in nearby office towers for lunch. Two of them were unavailable— my husband-to-be said yes.
I was not out. We went out a few times as friends. During this time, I prayed to God whether I could exist as a gay man, and I felt God’s blessing and love. That is its own story.
We attended a Maudy Thursday service at Palmer Episcopal, and we went to his place with the intention of returning later on for an hour of prayers. But we never made it. I officially came out, and we became a couple at the same time. God’s magic at work. We always thought of Maudy Thursday as our primary anniversary, and so the actual day changed each year and the service remained important to us— during COVID, we had our own feet washing at home.
We were not a natural couple. I liked ecstatic dance, college sports, SF nerd, space opera and superhero movies, rock music, working out, and gardening. Tony liked playing the piano, classical music (Mozart and Beethoven were favorites among others), art house movies and travel. I was introverted with a lot of heavy energy. He had a smile that could instantly cast a warm glow into any gathering. We were by many measures total opposites.
But it worked, and it did so because we both had kind hearts. Neither of us wanted to hurt the other. I needed a kind soul— someone I could trust— someone who could be my light while I tried to find mine. Tony needed someone who could see him, a playmate, and someone capable of receiving all of the love he had (and wanted) to give (and who could mirror that back).
I have many shadows— one of them is do not be a burden to others. Especially during that time, I was not prone to reaching out. I felt that my very presence was a burden as that was how I experienced the world when I was born. But my desperation overcame the resistance of the shadow. I sent the e-mail. And from that came over two decades of amazing connection from 2 very different people. But we both had loving hearts. And we shared. And we got to introduce each other to new things. Thanks be to God.
